


An Absinthe of Malice

by jor77



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Amused!Jason, Drunk!Tim, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 15:25:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11405211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jor77/pseuds/jor77
Summary: ""Ok Timbo Baggins, puke time." announced Jason. He lifted Tim up by the arm and escorted/carried him to the bathroom."Donwanna puke." protested Tim. "Gross.""Puke or die.""...Puke?""Correct answer." Jason heaved Tim over to the toilet. Tim fell to his knees as Jason lifted the toilet lid."Ok but Idon think anything's gonna come ou-- BLEUGH""





	An Absinthe of Malice

'Let's see.' thought Jason as he opened his fridge. 'A tomato, suspicious milk and a g-- Why the fuck is there a gun in here?' He closed the fridge. It was late and the only place nearby where he could get food was the 24 hour Chinese take-out. The girl who works there on Thursdays was very pretty and he once made an awkward joke that she didn't laugh at so he can never set foot in there again. Jason decided to wait his hunger out until morning. Just as he decided this someone started erratically thumping on his door.

"Who the fuck?" muttered Jason to himself as he approached the door. He looked through the peephole to see Tim, slumped against the door looking as angry as he was intoxicated.

"Openup you sstupid... motorcycle bitch." he slurred. "HA! Classic Timm."

Jason chuckled to himself as he opened the door, this was sure to be entertaining. "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME?!" screamed Tim in Jason's face the second the door was open. He grabbed Jason by the collar, partly as an act of force but mostly to keep himself upright. Jason allowed it as he didn't feel in any imminent danger, but he was a little taken aback by this whole situation to be honest. "I'mso fuckn sick othe name calling. Replacement, replacement, replaceMENT, REPLACEMENT, REPLA--"

"Shh, Jesus Christ. I have neighbours y'know, Tim Sum." hushed Jason. He closed the door and backed up into the sitting room, Tim coming along for the ride.

"Say that't maface, I dare yu."

"...What? I just did."

Tim somehow used all of his facial muscles over the course of a few seconds while trying to get his brain to process what Jason had just said. "...Shuddup. HA!"

"Good one." drawled Jason, plopping Tim onto the couch. "How the fuck did you get so drunk? No human being has ever been this drunk and lived."

"There's thiscool drink, iss called absent. You prolly never heard ovit. Only me and afew people know about't." bragged Tim.

"I'm pretty sure a lot of people know about absinthe, Timmy Schmidt."

" _Aaanyway_." Tim sang. " _Damian_ \-- _don't_ like'm-- he said _I_ couldn't drink't. The lil' shit... the lil'... fuckin... poop _shit_."

Tim started spreading his limbs out like a starfish. Jason felt like he was watching that video of David Hasslehoff eating a cheeseburger off his floor. "Tim... how much absinthe did you drink?"

"Notta lot. Jus' glass." Holy fuck.

"How big was the glass, Timiny Cricket."

"...Big glass. Jug." _Holy fuck_.

"That's... you're not supposed to do that." advised Jason.

"Wha happens'f I do tha?" asked Tim.

"Not good things." informed Jason. "You could start hallucinating."

"Oh." Tim pointed to the corner of the room. "So there'sno spiky man there?"

Jason actually looked, it is Gotham after all. "No Tim, there's no spiky man."

"Phew. Heesscary"

"Ok Timbo Baggins, puke time." announced Jason. He lifted Tim up by the arm and escorted/carried him to the bathroom.

"Donwanna puke." protested Tim. " _Gross_."

"Puke or die."

"...Puke?"

"Correct answer." Jason heaved Tim over to the toilet. Tim fell to his knees as Jason lifted the toilet lid.

"Ok but Idon think anything's gonna come ou-- BLEUGH" Tim projectile vomited his guts into the toilet over the course of around 8 minutes. Jason left him to it, and re-entered the bathroom when the noises stopped with a glass of water.

"Feeling ok-ish now?" asked Jason.

Tim rested his head on the toilet bowl, breathing heavily. "Ok-ish."

Jason handed him the glass of water. "Drink."

"Iss not absenth isst?"

"No, although that would be funny."

"To you... _mean_." Tim replied. He took the glass and chugged it down.

"Wait." realised Jason. "Why the fuck did you even come here? And how the fuck did you even get here?"

"Uber. Annto give you a pissomy mind. No wait... swish." Tim was getting less coherent by the syllable.

"Go ahead, give me a piece of your mind." said Jason. He leaned against the doorway, ready to be entertained.

Tim took a second to collect his thoughts. "...BOOOOOO!"

"Nice."

"Nonice. YOU! Always makin fun... _hate it_."

"Maybe I make fun of you the most because I know you can take it."

"Shuddup sexy-- Imen... motorcycle bitch. HA!"

"You said that already."

"Well, lining stikes twice onna saaaaame frog."

"...What?"

"You donundersand. Non unnerstandsme."

"Wait... did you call me _sexy_?"

Tim didn't answer. He was passed out, slumped against the toilet. Jason walked over to him and checked his pulse, just to be safe. His heart rate was about as normal as one could expect in this situ-- Wait a minute. 'He did call me sexy.' thought Jason. This thought was mercifully interrupted by his phone ringing.

"Uh, hey." said Dick on the other end. "Long shot here, but have you seen--"

"Timjob?" finished Jason. "I have. I _am_ , right now. He just got acquainted with my toilet."

"Is he ok, I got some... interesting voicemails."

Jason snickered. "He's ok-ish. Just your standard dared-to-drink-a-huge-glass-of-absinthe-by-your-demonic-eleven-year-old-adopted-brother-and-then-drunkenly-stumble-to-your-other-adopted-brother's-apartment-to-scream-at-him-and-get-sick situation."

"...Alrighty then. Is he ok at yours until morning?" asked Dick.

"Sure." answered Jason.

"Ok, bye."

"Bye." Jason put his phone away and just stared at Tim for a while. He looked so peaceful, even though he smelled like alcohol and vomit and was lying against a toilet. Jason knew he should have probably carried him to a bed or at least a couch, but he was tempted to just leave Tim there until morning... so he did. He did that.

 

 

"Morning sunshine." mocked Jason as Tim walked into the kitchen the next morning. Tim looked... rough. Let's just say that. Rough. Near death. Not good. Bad.

"Uuuuuugggghhhhh." groaned Tim. He sat at the island, holding his head in shame and pain. "I don't remember any-- Oh god. What did I do? What did I say?"

"Nothing, don't worry. You just charged in here, puked in my toilet and fell asleep." said Jason. He poured two cups of coffee and slid one over to Tim.

"Oh good, ok." sighed Tim. He took a sip from his coffee.

"Well there was that one thing you said." teased Jason. Tim tensed up. "Where you said you have wanted to fuck me for ages. That was interesting."

Tim went the darkest shade of red a human can go while not going the through the process of being cooked. "Well, I guess that's out in the open now."

"...I...I was kidding there Tim." said Jason. The ensuing silence was one of the longest in recorded history at a whopping 789 years.

"I want to die, am I allowed die?" squirmed Tim.

Jason smirked. He set his coffee down, walked around the island and up to Tim.

Tim looked him up and down. "What are y--" Jason kissed him. It was about as nice as a kiss could be with someone who tastes like absinthe, vomit and morning breath. Tim was just still the entire time, gobsmacked. After around 15 seconds, Jason broke the kiss.

"Now get the fuck out of my home you fucking stupid dork."


End file.
